Be Cool About Fire Safety
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room) G-man: Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. Okay, kids; fire safety is very important. During a fire, stay low to the ground, get outside, and call 911. If your clothes catch on fire, remember these three words: Stop, drop, and roll. So, let’s all agree that we should- (He gets interrupted as we cut to the opening for…) Rapper (V.O rapping): Be cool about fire safety! G-man (V.O): Yep, we’re going back to VHS Town with Be Cool About Fire Safety! This straight-to-VHS PSA was released back in 1996, and it stars the most unexpected celebrity they could find for this. We’ll get to who that is shortly. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, are you ready to learn? (Cut to the Engineer from Team Fortress 2) Engineer: Nope. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Sucks to be you! Let’s jump in! (Cut to the opening sequence) G-man (V.O): Apparently, this was made by the Good Hands People of Allstate. Also, can we talk about this opening rap? Rapper (V.O rapping): Be cool about fire safety! If you don’t wanna get burned, be cool about fire safety! You’ve got a lot to learn! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Seriously, just call it "Let’s Rap About Fire Safety" and it’ll still get the message across! (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): We’re then introduced to Chuck and Sam; two kids who are at the fire station for an unknown reason. They explain the seriousness of fires, and then… Chuck: If you ever see matches or lighters, don’t touch them! (A girl walks into a room with a lighter and box of matches on a table. A poorly-edited green light fires out of her eyes before the text "DAFUQ?!" in all capital letters pops up for a brief moment) Girl: Somebody left out matches and a lighter! (A cartoon fireman appears) Fireman: Remember… Girl: Wow! Fireman: Keep your eyes open, and if you see these, tell a grownup right away! But never touch them, and you’ll be a real superhero! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, who the hell was that guy? He only appears once, and he’s never mentioned again! How are we supposed to ignore the cartoon firefighter?! (Cut back to the special) Chuck: Sounds like a fire in progress! Let’s check it out! G-man (V.O): Hold up, what? Chuck: Sounds like a fire in progress! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Fire in progress? Who the hell says that?! (Cut back to the special) Sam: José Hydrant, what’s happening? José: We’re not sure, but someone playing with matches may have started it! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Or, here me out, Mario got high and mistook a propane tank for a Goomba. (Cut back to the special) José: You guys need more water? Okay, here it comes! (Water starts spraying out of José’s hose) Whoa! Whoa! Chuck: Hold on, José! Sam: Hope you get that fire under control. Chuck: We’ll check back with you later. G-man (V.O imitating the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons) Worst. Dispatchers. Ever! (In normal voice) Anyway, we then learn about smoke detectors voiced by that celebrity we talked about in the beginning! Who is it? Smoke detector (Voiced by Gilbert Gottfried): Seymore Smoke; smoke detector! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: That’s right! It’s good old Gilbert Gottfried! I guess his job as the new host for Blue’s Clues didn’t work out so well. (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) I’m not making that up, he actually auditioned for the role! (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): After that whole debacle about smoke detectors, we learn about having a plan when there’s a fire. Also, you’ve gotta have a meeting place where you- What the fuck am I talking about? José: We’re still trying to put out this fire. It’s a hard job, but it’s our job! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, if you work for the fire department and you’re not putting out a fire, chances are you’re one lousy son of a bitch! (Cut back to the special) Seymore: A fire is an emergency; a time to call for help! As soon as you get out of your house, go to a neighbor’s house and call the local emergency number. Do you know yours? (Cut to a boy and a girl near a payphone) Girl: Quick! What’s the number for 911? Boy: How do I know? (Cut back to the G-man facepalming multiple times before we cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): And then we get this pointless, yet funny, sketch featuring Michael Winslow of all people! Girl: Dad, it’s Billy! It’s an emergency! Michael: Yeah, well I have an emergency! My house is nuts! Billy: But Mr. Winslow, my house is on fire! Michael: Well, why didn’t you say so?! (Cut) Don’t worry, Billy! Pretty soon, you’ll be hearing: (He does an impression of a fire truck before we cut to a clip from Family Guy) Stewie: What’s his appeal? (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): Up next, we learn about stop drop and roll. But look at how this starts: Girl: What would you do if you were on fire? G-man (V.O): Seriously, how would you feel if someone said that in a normal conversation? (Cut back to the G-man on his iPhone) G-man: So, I said "You don’t put biscuits in a boot!"! (He chuckles a bit) By the way, how did you survive the fire? (The sound of a phone being hung up is heard) Karen? Was it something I said? (Cut back to the special) José: The fire is finally under control! It took hours to put out what started in a couple of minutes! Sam: That house looks pretty bad. Chuck: What’s left of it… José: At least no one was hurt. This time, they had an escape plan! G-man (V.O): Wait, what do you mean by "This time"? Was there a pyromaniac living in there? Whatever, after a recap of what we’ve learned, the special ends. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And that was… Well, something. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad, either. It had good morals and funny celebrities, but it’s pretty obscure. So, I’ll leave this one as mediocre. Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! Category:Episode